Fake it 'till you make it

What happens if you never make it?
I fake being happy
I fake being alive
I fake enjoying anything I do
I fake enthusiasm
I always have
Why
What does it get me
No one cares
No one is close enough to see that I'm a fake

Fear of antidepressents

What happens if they work
I wake up and truly understand what it means to not live under the cloud of depression
How do you live with that knowledge
Having lived for 55 years, and never been happy
Not once, not true unadulterated happiness
There is always that darkness
What if it's gone
What does that mean
All the things that didn't get done
Can't go back and do them over
That's not how it works
Those times are gone
Those people are gone
Those loves are gone
Lost to the past
And nothing can compare to them, even now
What about the people I hurt through my depression
Can I forgive myself
Do they even care
Did they really get hurt
Unfortunately I know I hurt them
I live with that knowledge every single day
It is a huge burden
A weight
It is soul crushing
The past poisons every moment of every day
It adds to the cloud of depression
guilt, remorse, loss
I often think about key decisions
I don't try to play out how things would be different in that alternate timeline
But I am aware that it is there, that something could have been different
I carry all this every day
But I can't put it down
Because
What am I without that
And how would I deal with having all that pain lifted
How do you go on if you realize what you missed

Cleaning Up

Maybe related to this trendy declutter movement, I'm not sure. But I've decided to actively limit my distractions, starting with podcasts. This may seem like a small thing, but I think it is an important step.

A Low Low

I'm deep in a depressive episode. Nothing is helping. I have never watched so much tv. Just muscling through doesn't feel like it's going to work this time. Fake it until you make it, I don't think so.

There are so many things I want to do, but I just sit. Paralyzed.
I don't game
I don't code
I don't run
I don't model
I don't plan for the farm
I don't read

Is it depression, or am I just lazy. Do I need to accept the fact that I don't have what it takes to be any more than this?

I think about all the talk about cluttered life, and I see the clutter closing in on me. Junk falls onto my keyboards, I barely have enough room to move my mouse. Do I need to clean up? Will it matter?
IDK I doubt it. Nothing else seems to make a difference.

I read a book "Depression Hates a Moving Target"
It actually inspired me a little, which is saying something. These types of book usually don't resonate with me at all.
But
The other side of the coin is that this book made me feel like I can't even do depression and anxiety right. As I read about what the author went through I felt like my issues are nothing. So if they are nothing, why are the affecting me? Because I am weak and worthless. I'm not "really" depressed, so I must just be lazy. If I was really depressed I wouldn't be able to get our of bed. If I had real anxiety, I wouldn't be able to leave the house. But I do all that stuff.
 I call myself a functional depressent. I don't think that's a thing, but it is for me. I liken it to being a functional alcoholic. Sure they may drink too much, but not enough for anyone to notice. Not enough for anyone to care. But enough to destroy my life, and the lives of people around me.

I don't know that these things are, how to talk about them, how to address them.
So I just plod along and wait for this low low to get better. And do it all over again.

An Insignificant Life

I heard this on TTFA podcast this morning. The person being interviewed, Caleb Campbell, feared living an insignificant life. Funny, that’s all I want. And, although I don’t consider myself significant or important in any meaningful way I still seem to wind up in these positions where I am have earned way more responsibility and visibility than I am comfortable with.

If you haven’t heard of Terrible Thanks for Asking, I think it is a great, great podcast. Check it out. https://www.ttfa.org/

Another fantastic podcast is “The Hilarious World of Depression”. https://www.hilariousworld.org/

Both are worth a listen.

On going to bed early

I am starting to love going to bed early. It’s like being dead for a little while every day. So nice.

I'm a remote worker

Why did I wait so long to do this?

This was my plan even back in college, but I never made it a priority

I don't regret my past, there is no point. And I treasure the experiences and relationships I have made over my career.

But man, do I look forward to the future

There is a freedom I never thought possible

Even if it is only a handful of extra hours a week

The knowledge that I don't have to get everything done in 2 days is incredibly freeing

Now I just need to stop fearing that they will change there mind.

This feels good, different, but good.