Fear of antidepressents

What happens if they work
I wake up and truly understand what it means to not live under the cloud of depression
How do you live with that knowledge
Having lived for 55 years, and never been happy
Not once, not true unadulterated happiness
There is always that darkness
What if it's gone
What does that mean
All the things that didn't get done
Can't go back and do them over
That's not how it works
Those times are gone
Those people are gone
Those loves are gone
Lost to the past
And nothing can compare to them, even now
What about the people I hurt through my depression
Can I forgive myself
Do they even care
Did they really get hurt
Unfortunately I know I hurt them
I live with that knowledge every single day
It is a huge burden
A weight
It is soul crushing
The past poisons every moment of every day
It adds to the cloud of depression
guilt, remorse, loss
I often think about key decisions
I don't try to play out how things would be different in that alternate timeline
But I am aware that it is there, that something could have been different
I carry all this every day
But I can't put it down
Because
What am I without that
And how would I deal with having all that pain lifted
How do you go on if you realize what you missed