A Low Low

I'm deep in a depressive episode. Nothing is helping. I have never watched so much tv. Just muscling through doesn't feel like it's going to work this time. Fake it until you make it, I don't think so.

There are so many things I want to do, but I just sit. Paralyzed.
I don't game
I don't code
I don't run
I don't model
I don't plan for the farm
I don't read

Is it depression, or am I just lazy. Do I need to accept the fact that I don't have what it takes to be any more than this?

I think about all the talk about cluttered life, and I see the clutter closing in on me. Junk falls onto my keyboards, I barely have enough room to move my mouse. Do I need to clean up? Will it matter?
IDK I doubt it. Nothing else seems to make a difference.

I read a book "Depression Hates a Moving Target"
It actually inspired me a little, which is saying something. These types of book usually don't resonate with me at all.
But
The other side of the coin is that this book made me feel like I can't even do depression and anxiety right. As I read about what the author went through I felt like my issues are nothing. So if they are nothing, why are the affecting me? Because I am weak and worthless. I'm not "really" depressed, so I must just be lazy. If I was really depressed I wouldn't be able to get our of bed. If I had real anxiety, I wouldn't be able to leave the house. But I do all that stuff.
 I call myself a functional depressent. I don't think that's a thing, but it is for me. I liken it to being a functional alcoholic. Sure they may drink too much, but not enough for anyone to notice. Not enough for anyone to care. But enough to destroy my life, and the lives of people around me.

I don't know that these things are, how to talk about them, how to address them.
So I just plod along and wait for this low low to get better. And do it all over again.

An Insignificant Life

I heard this on TTFA podcast this morning. The person being interviewed, Caleb Campbell, feared living an insignificant life. Funny, that’s all I want. And, although I don’t consider myself significant or important in any meaningful way I still seem to wind up in these positions where I am have earned way more responsibility and visibility than I am comfortable with.

If you haven’t heard of Terrible Thanks for Asking, I think it is a great, great podcast. Check it out. https://www.ttfa.org/

Another fantastic podcast is “The Hilarious World of Depression”. https://www.hilariousworld.org/

Both are worth a listen.

On going to bed early

I am starting to love going to bed early. It’s like being dead for a little while every day. So nice.

I'm a remote worker

Why did I wait so long to do this?

This was my plan even back in college, but I never made it a priority

I don't regret my past, there is no point. And I treasure the experiences and relationships I have made over my career.

But man, do I look forward to the future

There is a freedom I never thought possible

Even if it is only a handful of extra hours a week

The knowledge that I don't have to get everything done in 2 days is incredibly freeing

Now I just need to stop fearing that they will change there mind.

This feels good, different, but good.

Misery

I used to be happy enough, better than now at least.
Was I?

Now there is nothing but profound misery.
My inability to stand up and advocate for myself has led me to this. I can't push back against the important things. I don't have the will or the energy.

All of this is my own internal bullshit.

I have a good paying job, no real stress, no long hours, not too many assholes.
I have a loving wife and family, all relatively healthy. We have issues, but are OK

But still, I can't cope. I am always miserable. The whole thing seems pointless.
I have no passion for what I do
Not at home
Not at work
Not on the farm
Even running has something missing

There is nothing.
Maybe it was always like this, I'm not sure. I don't know how to step back and look anymore, this is too much of how I define myself

I do nothing

Work is the most meaningless waste of time that I can possibly imagine. I do nothing, I have no responsibilities, I add nothing. It sucks the life out of me more than ever before. I don't know what to do. My boss says there is a lot of work coming down the pike, but that is bullshit. Stuff is already done, what is there to architect if it's all done already. Maybe I just need to focus on solving the hard technical problems. That is also part of this job.

This all just needs to end

All of it, it's just not worth it.
There is nothing