No matter what I do, how hard I work, it's never enough.
How can that be? I give everything I have, most days I fall asleep as soon as I stop moving, literally. I fall asleep at stop signs, while I'm driving!
And it's not enough.
Can someone be too diverse? Have too many interests? Want too much from life?
Why can't I have been simpler, dumber maybe? Would I be able to be happy then? If I didn't want so much? If I just wanted a job, and enough to get by.
Not grow and expand myself constantly?
Gruffen
12/28/2022
Every morning I wake up and I think of him in the ground. I want to lay with him, and let him know he is loved, and he is not alone, and that he was the best little boy.
I don't know how to process this grief, it is unbearable.
My heart is broken, I don't know how to go on
Yesterday I gave my notice at work.
I'm going to farm full time. Success or failure is in my hands now.
It is the most freeing thing I have done to date. I can't wait to see what happens
Each day that goes by feels like a chunk of my dreams fall off and die. I want to make an analogy to cancer, that's what it feels like. A slow rotting of my soul.
I try to read books, and blog posts, or watch YouTube to find inspiration. The problem is, the better one of these things resonates with me, the worse it makes me feel.
Despite my dreams of doing otherwise, I still need to work a day job. This job happens to be in the tech industry. And at 56 it is just getting too much to keep up with. I'm sick of it. I worked with a friend a few years back that left tech just because of this reason. I kind of understood then, I definitely do now. I want out, I need to get out. No matter what the cost.
Making friends as an adult is extremely hard.
People are set in their ways. That means that if you are outside the norm, whatever that means for where you are, it will be hard to meet new people, and get along with them.
People in their 50s seem to be very inflexible in their beliefs, and not will to agree to disagree. So you can either not be friends, or not be yourself. Neither are very good choices. So ultimately it's easier to just be alone.
Throw into that nonsense all the bullshit that comes from meeting people of the opposite sex. Constant comments from everyone, it sucks. Most of the new people I have met, and made friends with, are women. Why, I have no idea. It could be that they don't spend all their time and energy trying to prove they have the biggest dick. I don't know. It could be that women just appeal to my more sensitive side.
Recently a friend asked how I am what I am. By all rights I should be part of the problem. Middle aged CIS white male. But I am not, not even close. I know exactly how this came about. I distinctly remember the aids crisis during the 80s. I heard stories of couples that had been together for decades could not be together in the hospital. How people had let their partners die alone. Because they weren't married! WTF. What does being married have to do with caring, loving for someone? Those stories were the most heart breaking, inhuman thing I had ever heard. They changed me forever.
Anyway, I have some new friends, most of which are women. Despite the comments I heard from EVERYONE, there is nothing beyond friendship. I don't know why the base assumption is that there is something else behind it all. I value their friendship more than anything.
It impossible to stop watching this train wreck, that is the death of our country.
To be clear, I don't think the collapse of capitalism is a bad thing, far from it. But the descent into fascism is not what should happen next. We are fucked.
I'm not much for inspiration videos, and not a big fan of most of his work, but in the first few seconds of this speech Jim Carrey said something that really hit home. "You can fail at what you don't want, so you might as well take a chance on doing what you love".
What's in it for them?
If someone else fails why do they care?
There is no competition, nothing to be gained.
I don't get it.
Listening to Making It podcast this morning. They talked a lot about being on the artistic spectrum, which was interesting. But what really hit home was the observation about how some people, that may have had a small amount of artistic abilities were often told to play it safe, and not pursue that passion. Although I don't consider myself very artistic, I have always had dreams of doing things, like filling the farm with garden gnomes, or getting tattoos, or letting my hair grow to a massive pony tail. Or even things like gardening as a primary focus for the farm. But I cannot allow myself to follow these dreams, it's not allowed.
I don't know why I can't get over this.
I often wonder what it would be like to be the kind of person that follows their heart, that has the courage to be that free. It must be wonderful, freeing, amazing.
