Misery

I used to be happy enough, better than now at least.
Was I?

Now there is nothing but profound misery.
My inability to stand up and advocate for myself has led me to this. I can't push back against the important things. I don't have the will or the energy.

All of this is my own internal bullshit.

I have a good paying job, no real stress, no long hours, not too many assholes.
I have a loving wife and family, all relatively healthy. We have issues, but are OK

But still, I can't cope. I am always miserable. The whole thing seems pointless.
I have no passion for what I do
Not at home
Not at work
Not on the farm
Even running has something missing

There is nothing.
Maybe it was always like this, I'm not sure. I don't know how to step back and look anymore, this is too much of how I define myself

I do nothing

Work is the most meaningless waste of time that I can possibly imagine. I do nothing, I have no responsibilities, I add nothing. It sucks the life out of me more than ever before. I don't know what to do. My boss says there is a lot of work coming down the pike, but that is bullshit. Stuff is already done, what is there to architect if it's all done already. Maybe I just need to focus on solving the hard technical problems. That is also part of this job.

This all just needs to end

All of it, it's just not worth it.
There is nothing

Dysthymia

Persistent Depressive Disorders, being a 'functional depressive'

I just heard about this today,when listening to https://www.apmpodcasts.org/thwod/ and it really struck a cord with me.
As someone who has considered his happiness level a 4 or 5 for his entire life, I really don't feel this is a less severe form of depression.
To me it means that I am just miserable, but not miserable enough to have to take action, so this is my life. For 53 happiness, to me, is about 1/2 of what a normal person rates happiness as. This is no way to live.

I can't image what it would be like to be as happy as a 'normal' person. It is simply inconceivable.