I do nothing

Work is the most meaningless waste of time that I can possibly imagine. I do nothing, I have no responsibilities, I add nothing. It sucks the life out of me more than ever before. I don't know what to do. My boss says there is a lot of work coming down the pike, but that is bullshit. Stuff is already done, what is there to architect if it's all done already. Maybe I just need to focus on solving the hard technical problems. That is also part of this job.

This all just needs to end

All of it, it's just not worth it.
There is nothing

Dysthymia

Persistent Depressive Disorders, being a 'functional depressive'

I just heard about this today,when listening to https://www.apmpodcasts.org/thwod/ and it really struck a cord with me.
As someone who has considered his happiness level a 4 or 5 for his entire life, I really don't feel this is a less severe form of depression.
To me it means that I am just miserable, but not miserable enough to have to take action, so this is my life. For 53 happiness, to me, is about 1/2 of what a normal person rates happiness as. This is no way to live.

I can't image what it would be like to be as happy as a 'normal' person. It is simply inconceivable.

Made my week

Last weekend my #runningbuddy commented on how I am an over achiever. Boy had that made me feel great all week! There is no small amount of guilt that goes along with everything I do. There is almost no peace. When I am running I am free of that, but I usually get a comment from someone that makes me feel bad about taking that time out of my schedule. All of which adds up to making me constantly feel like a loser, and that  I don’t do enough, that I am lazy and good for nothing. To get a positive comment like that is really great. I have been thinking about it all week. Really boosts my spirits.

Thanks Beth!

Under a microscope

It seems like everyone watches what I do, from family to complete strangers. And they all are waiting for me to fail. I don't know why? Is this just me?

How come there isn't any milk, aren't you going to keep the farm going?
You know what, Fuck You.
I think I'm going to start telling everyone that we are going to sell  the whole fucking place for a power plant. See what kind of shit storm that causes.

Pretty much sums it up, but not really

perfectly unhappy

Well not perfect, but pretty much sums it up

Visited

My dad came to visit the other night.
I was finishing milking the cows when he walked in the barn.
Seeing him again was to closest to pure joy that I have ever been.
I finished putting the milking machine on a cow, and when I got up he had started walking away.
He never said anything.

The only problem here is that he died last year.

I don't know how long it takes to get over this, maybe you never do.
I miss him so much, every day I want to just stop going on. I just want to be done, with everything. It's all too much. I am not strong enough to do it. But maybe I am, maybe we all are. Or maybe we aren't. Maybe everyone just keeps going after something like this, but they all feel as dead and empty and hopeless as I do. I sure hope this isn't true. I don't think life is supposed to be like this. A persons only source of joy should not come in a dream, only to be ripped away minutes later when that dream ends. To have to relive that loss over and over again.