It takes generations to recover

I think a lot about how devastating the affects of mental illness are on families. It can last for generations. Back in the day people didn't address mental illness, it wasn't talked about. I'm not sure the general population even knew what it was. We still don't

just a little eccentric

excitable

moody

mad at the world

quiet

shy

strict

old fashioned

odd

Never mind the poor people that had visible, obvious special needs. The way they were treated was an embarrassment, it still is.

But for those of us that were raised by parents that suffered, and suffered ourselves. No one recognized what was wrong. No one talked about any of it. Consequently generations grew up with undiagnosed, untreated mental illness. And damaged the next generation. Probably not intentionally, out of ignorance. Ignorance for their own illness. Even now, when we are starting to recognize mental illness, and treat it, it will be more generations before family lines recover. Whatever that means.

The amount of damage that we unknowingly inflict on each other is staggering. And irreparable. 

Doom Scrolling

 It impossible to stop watching this train wreck, that is the death of our country.

To be clear, I don't think the collapse of capitalism is a bad thing, far from it. But the descent into fascism is not what should happen next. We are fucked.

Inspirational Video

 I'm not much for inspiration videos, and not a big fan of most of his work, but in the first few seconds of this speech Jim Carrey said something that really hit home. "You can fail at what you don't want, so you might as well take a chance on doing what you love".

I'll add that not failing at what you don't want isn't that great either.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YAzTIOy0ID0

Why do people want to see others fail?

 What's in it for them?

If someone else fails why do they care? 

There is no competition, nothing to be gained.

I don't get it.

Wouldn't it be nice

 Listening to  Making It podcast this morning. They talked a lot about being on the artistic spectrum, which was interesting. But what really hit home was the observation about how some people, that may have had a small amount of artistic abilities were often told to play it safe, and not pursue that passion. Although I don't consider myself very artistic, I have always had dreams of doing things, like filling the farm with garden gnomes, or getting tattoos, or letting my hair grow to a massive pony tail. Or even things like gardening as a primary focus for the farm. But I cannot allow myself to follow these dreams, it's not allowed.

I don't know why I can't get over this. 

I often wonder what it would be like to be the kind of person that follows their heart, that has the courage to be that free. It must be wonderful, freeing, amazing.

Envy

I don't envy people that have more money, better cars, more things than me.
I don't envy people who are fitter, faster, better looking than me.
I don't envy people who are smarter than me.

I envy people that have the strength to be themselves and follow their hearts and dreams. What a life that must be.

Focus

Focusing on one thing, to have a better chance at being successful feels like giving up on my dreams.