Maybe not a life less happy, anymore

Wait and see,

Too damn old

 Despite my dreams of doing otherwise, I still need to work a day job. This job happens to be in the tech industry. And at 56 it is just getting too much to keep up with. I'm sick of it. I worked with a friend a few years back that left tech just because of this reason. I kind of understood then, I definitely do now. I want out, I need to get out. No matter what the cost.

Making friends

Making friends as an adult is extremely hard.

People are set in their ways. That means that if you are outside the norm, whatever that means for where you are, it will be hard to meet new people, and get along with them.

People in their 50s seem to be very inflexible in their beliefs, and not will to agree to disagree. So you can either not be friends, or not be yourself. Neither are very good choices. So ultimately it's easier to just be alone.

Throw into that nonsense all the bullshit that comes from meeting people of the opposite sex. Constant comments from everyone, it sucks. Most of the new people I have met, and made friends with, are women. Why, I have no idea. It could be that they don't spend all their time and energy trying to prove they have the biggest dick. I don't know. It could be that women just appeal to my more sensitive side. 

Recently a friend asked how I am what I am. By all rights I should be part of the problem. Middle aged CIS white male. But I am not, not even close. I know exactly how this came about. I distinctly remember the aids crisis during the 80s. I heard stories of couples that had been together for decades could not be together in the hospital. How people had let their partners die alone. Because they weren't married! WTF. What does being married have to do with caring, loving for someone? Those stories were the most heart breaking, inhuman thing I had ever heard. They changed me forever. 

Anyway, I have some new friends, most of which are women. Despite the comments I heard from EVERYONE, there is nothing beyond friendship. I don't know why the base assumption is that there is something else behind it all. I value their friendship more than anything.

It takes generations to recover

I think a lot about how devastating the affects of mental illness are on families. It can last for generations. Back in the day people didn't address mental illness, it wasn't talked about. I'm not sure the general population even knew what it was. We still don't

just a little eccentric

excitable

moody

mad at the world

quiet

shy

strict

old fashioned

odd

Never mind the poor people that had visible, obvious special needs. The way they were treated was an embarrassment, it still is.

But for those of us that were raised by parents that suffered, and suffered ourselves. No one recognized what was wrong. No one talked about any of it. Consequently generations grew up with undiagnosed, untreated mental illness. And damaged the next generation. Probably not intentionally, out of ignorance. Ignorance for their own illness. Even now, when we are starting to recognize mental illness, and treat it, it will be more generations before family lines recover. Whatever that means.

The amount of damage that we unknowingly inflict on each other is staggering. And irreparable.