Made my week

Last weekend my #runningbuddy commented on how I am an over achiever. Boy had that made me feel great all week! There is no small amount of guilt that goes along with everything I do. There is almost no peace. When I am running I am free of that, but I usually get a comment from someone that makes me feel bad about taking that time out of my schedule. All of which adds up to making me constantly feel like a loser, and that  I don’t do enough, that I am lazy and good for nothing. To get a positive comment like that is really great. I have been thinking about it all week. Really boosts my spirits.

Thanks Beth!

Under a microscope

It seems like everyone watches what I do, from family to complete strangers. And they all are waiting for me to fail. I don't know why? Is this just me?

How come there isn't any milk, aren't you going to keep the farm going?
You know what, Fuck You.
I think I'm going to start telling everyone that we are going to sell  the whole fucking place for a power plant. See what kind of shit storm that causes.

Pretty much sums it up, but not really

perfectly unhappy

Well not perfect, but pretty much sums it up

Visited

My dad came to visit the other night.
I was finishing milking the cows when he walked in the barn.
Seeing him again was to closest to pure joy that I have ever been.
I finished putting the milking machine on a cow, and when I got up he had started walking away.
He never said anything.

The only problem here is that he died last year.

I don't know how long it takes to get over this, maybe you never do.
I miss him so much, every day I want to just stop going on. I just want to be done, with everything. It's all too much. I am not strong enough to do it. But maybe I am, maybe we all are. Or maybe we aren't. Maybe everyone just keeps going after something like this, but they all feel as dead and empty and hopeless as I do. I sure hope this isn't true. I don't think life is supposed to be like this. A persons only source of joy should not come in a dream, only to be ripped away minutes later when that dream ends. To have to relive that loss over and over again.

Big Changes, bigger doubts

Lots of changes coming. It's exciting and terrifying.
What it Michelle is right, what if all my problems are internal? What it I do all this and nothing gets better? Is this all my life is, all it will be? I don't know what I did to deserve this, why is it that I get no happiness? Doesn't really seem fair to spend my entire life with almost no joy.

May the 4th

I was really looking forward to wearing a Star Wars T shirt today, but of course I forgot. Now I can't bring myself to ask Michelle to bring me one. Fuck Me, I'm a mess.

Resignation

Going through the mental exercise is writing a letter of resignation is almost as good as actually resigning. That's the problem.

Interesting read

http://lifehacker.com/how-being-non-confrontational-has-held-me-back-in-life-1722685647

Every Single Day

Every day, I wake up and think I can't do this again. Every Single Day. This is no life.